Suicide, Should I? (Thoughts and Feelings Ep 01)

Suicide, Should I?

I could never forget that day. I think that was the lowest point of my life since I never have been hell depressed as I was in those days. I could perfectly remember, I was in the third semester. I was known by a few people inside the campus, and I 'believed' most of them had no care for what I was. Except for a fraction of those few, others would just put up a strenuous smile when they meet me, and before I could speak up or compile a sentence in my mind, they would have breezed past me. That day I decided to walk up the stairs till they end, and I had climbed ten stairs while I pondered on the above thoughts.

Let me introduce myself a bit more in detail. I was the top scorer in academics after the end of the first year, and that had made possible to have a very confined and small group of friends. There was this rumor or something going around - this guy is hell serious, he has no life other than that with the books, laptop, and notes. If I would look at someone from a stance, he would either put up a temporary smile or look elsewhere and cross past me. This happened with guys, let alone girls. I had some very close two or three girls as friend, and they made me realize the image that I had amongst the girl group - serious and frightening. For serious? I also came to know the reasons but it is better if you all are kept out of that whole different story.

I had walked ten steps more.

In my family, I was a single child. I had a beautiful childhood and I believe it almost was due to great communication that I had with my parents. Whenever I had something to say, they could realize what the context was. Presently it seemed that there was a gap growing. I talked on the phone once in two or three days. Every time they called I would be busy somewhere or other, or I would be feeling bad or sad and hence I would get annoyed with their similar repetitive queries. Recently, my mother fell ill and is suffering from  -leave that-. It was just great that she would recover after a lot of monetary business. My father had talked last to me back in summers and three months have already passed since. I feel that I am getting disconnected from the greatest people I could ever have in my life.

I had walked ten more steps.

Coming to the area in which I felt I had some sort of expertise was academics. But but, well after going from studying basic science stuff to certain new applications and topics, there was a jump which I feared a lot to take. I feared what if I am pushed down from my current position that I have achieved in this institute? There are a lot of people around here, who obviously have the knowledge, skill, intuition, and brainpower far better than me. I am nowhere in front of them. All the buzzwords you hear - they have almost mastered over, and I was a mere beginner and completely lost. The first test of the semester occurred and that fear deepened. Being the stupidest in my genius friend circle, that was destined to happen. Till now I have lost the faith that I had upon me - and even the fact that I was the one who had superseded those guys in the first year. I felt my brain and my nerves losing connection and having no worth in this life.

I had walked ten more steps and had reached the last step. I was on the roof. I looked down, it was great length - at least for the first time. Four floors! It seemed that's it - going down once and for all. Consequences? I had no courage to think upon that. Was I a coward? No, I was ready to detach my feet from the cement.

Don't know why I looked up at the sky. I saw two faces on two distinct clouds - both my parents! A few more clouds came floating slowly - I could see faces in a very vague sense. In a span of a few moments, they became clear. My dearest and great friends! One more cloud joined them later. The face of a great girl, and she has a different place in my heart. These were the people who loved me, cared about me in one way or another.

I shook my head, shed a few tears. And asked looking down - 'Suicide, should I?'
A decisive 'No' came from behind.
I looked back. A person was standing there, holding my hands, preventing me from falling. The person was none other than myself.
A smile came out. It turned to a burst of gigantic laughter. What was I doing? Seriously, me? I bid bye to the clouds and walked down back to my room. My roommates were enjoying a movie, and I joined them.

- Siba Smarak Panigrahi
(P.S. This is two-episode long - the next episode would be released on Valentine's Day, 14th Feb 2020 )