One Sided Feelings (Thoughts and Feelings {Final} Ep 02)

One-Sided Feelings

"One more cloud joined them later. The face of a great girl, and she has a different place in my heart."
Till now you must have realized that since the cloud that bore her face came last, thus she must have come in contact with me in recent times. I couldn't make much out of the sequence of events that occurred till I had the weird thought of walking the steps up to the roof and jump down. Thus I am penning my feelings down so that you all might help me to understand.

If I remember correctly, it was in the month of late July that I accidentally met her. A beautiful face - thought at first glance. I had to meet one of my closest friends in the library. God knows, he is always late. No idea, how much I would have to wait today?
She was quite focused on her laptop. I didn't want to break the ice. I just began doing my work. I opened my pen, and bang! There was my friend slamming my aching back. 
Thirty minutes later, I received a call, and I had to leave urgently for an hour.
 "I am leaving the laptop here. I would be back in an hour"
Some half-an-hour later, I receive a text message - I am feeling sleepy. Your laptop is in her safe hands. I couldn't get much but I sort of had the thought that this might be an ice-breaker! I had no idea what this might lead to afterward though. I returned and the first thing that I observed was her smile and braces.

"Thank you so much," said I. "No problem" and she got busy again. I wanted not to linger the talk too.              
A minute later. 
"He told me that you are one of the high-scoring guys. Congratulations! I also want to perform like you. Could you please guide me? He even said that 'take care of laptop and take any guidance!' " and I couldn't stop smiling. Is there a barter system going on here? I found her childish behavior quite funny!
 
**Two months later.**

Last two months, we had talked a lot. To say, a lot of stuff. As I got to know her - I realized how great she is! We would let others feel not bad after say a test goes erroneous, or something similar. We would help each other in small personal matters too. It was nice to express our thoughts to each other. Overall I could say those two months, for me was something which I would always wish to revisit!
I started missing her whenever I didn't chat or talk or see her.

"Well, who is this crush of yours?" I receive a text from her side, betwixt our chat about having a crush.
"There is a girl someone I admire and have feelings"
"Oh! Come on, you can tell her name - I am not going to post it publicly somewhere".
I took a pause.
'?' came the next text from her side.
"I don't know if I am putting it correctly or not, but I have developed certain feelings for you. I don't know how it happened, but somehow I am writing this"

A minute passed.
"No way!"
"It's completely true. And moreover see, if we both go into a relationship, we would both still be in a perfect state of harmony. We would be completely engaged in our works, instead of roaming all night round - you know that perfectly!" I kind of made the matter light thinking that might be she preferred not investing much time in a relationship.
"See you are a great person. You are sweet and honest. But the thing is that there is a problem with me. I hope to be independent and self-sufficient first, then I could think upon these matters. And going into a relationship requires a lot of trust. I trust you, but not so much to get into a relationship. I have never had such feelings for you, as you have for me. I would reiterate, the problem is with me - I can never put anyone above my family."

The phone fell from my hands after reading this. I felt as if this was going to be the end of all - shall I say that all of this is a lie, I was just joking to have fun with her? No, I prevented that from happening.
"I am sorry for my text," wrote I, and thought 'I have no feeligs for someone who has feelings for me. I have feelings for someone and she has no feelings for me. I formed this query how do we see people having mutual feelings? Is love: a life of vibrant enthusiasm or a loss of valuable efforts? It seemed the second one.'
 
"No problem. That is great! This even clears a lot. And you would feel light at your heart after this confession. Moreover, you haven't done any bad, so why sorry? (a laughing emoticon)"

A smile came out. I felt as if I was meeting a different girl. Was I talking to the same girl - who followed the barter system? No, she is a different girl now. She has matured a lot in this short span to be able to reply to such messages. She taught me one of the best lessons of life - there is a barrier that separates friendship and relationship. But me being clear of her stance, still have feelings for her, I have become immature in some sense. She is the greatest girl I can get as a friend here. After knowing everything, we have rather grown more close friends!

It is an amazing fact that we could not control our true feelings. We throw it out in some way or another. Feelings are not so easily comprehensible. Sometimes what we feel is not because of rational thinking rather than a complex induction from our desires and interactions. It is ironical how she grew up interacting with me, and how I became immature! And this is the very reason why she has a different place in my heart.

- Siba Smarak Panigrahi